Have you ever wondered how on earth you got where you are? If you've lived much life at all, I strongly suspect you have. Seldom does life go as we once expected. Sometimes it goes better, sometimes not. But God seems to delight in showing the folly of our wisdom simply by not letting things turn out where, much less how, we planned.
The predicted path of my life was to lead to social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. I would live and die an honest, steady, and respected man. In every way I would live what, in this part of the world, is recognized as a traditional life.
The path of my life so far is as follows:
Social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. Honesty. Steadiness. Respect. A traditional life. As expected. Yet not.
My marriage failed. I finally admitted to myself and a few others that I am gay. I live a discrete life with my partner, Josh. My family knows about me and, while they don't shun or shame me because of it, it's not discussed and they, so far, don't invite me to include Josh in family functions.
My kids don't know about me or about Josh and me. They know Josh and deeply love him. He's like their favorite uncle. The feelings are very mutual.
The kids and I continue to attend the church we attended before the separation. It's a conservative mainline Protestant congregation where the sinner is loved but homosexuality is clearly not. Needless-to-say, it's not the best fit for me, but, with my divorce pending and my living arrangements still temporary, I'm loathe to introduce more change into the kids' lives.
Nor am I "out" at work. Being a family man for over 10 years and a Christian, people, naturally, make many assumptions about me. It's the label thing again. They assume I'm straight as straight can be. That I'm the stereotypical conservative gentleman that would give no moral quarter to anything outside the region's prevailing conservative values.
So, life right now is a balance. Between being honest with myself and others about myself without making disclosures that would serve only to hurt my family and associations.
This current location in life is no where I would have predicted. But here I am. It's no where I would have sought to travel. But it's where, by combination of my decisions and God's work, I have arrived.
And, it's okay. Not always pleasant. In fact, my divorce has been very distressing and wearying; much more so than necessary, but, thankfully, not as bad as possible. And my current lifestyle, between worlds, in both but not completely part of either, is uneasy. And, of course, my relationship with Josh -- wonderful, the most intimate and rich relationship I've ever enjoyed -- is constrained. We're unable to associate freely in public, unable to fully share one another's lives. Of course, that's par for the course for many if not most gays. (There are those fortunate few who live in communities that allow them the freedom to live without fear of recrimination or discrimination.)
So how is your life going? As expected? Or, as mine, are you finding your life going in directions and taking you places you never imagined?
While our life paths often take the unexpected turn, I, and I hope you, are not without confidence and joy in the journey. No matter where the path leads -- whether to the predicted or to the utterly surprising and sometimes foreign -- there is comfort and confidence in knowing that God is wherever I find myself and that He loves me and is actively shaping every circumstance for my good.
So surprise me away, Lord. Take me from the path I know and on which I'm comfortable and lead me down the path unknown and hidden. Take me to places unfamiliar. Show me sights unseen. Delight me in your presence and provision. And as I yield to your direction, make me a delight to you.
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