"Elliot, would you like to go see a strip tease?", Mom asked me.
"Yeah! Yeah!", I replied excitedly.
I was 9 or 10 years old. Had no idea what Mom was talking about. But being an adventurous boy and having lay in the back of a Ford Torino station wagon for the better part of 10 hours, I was eager to do something -- anything -- else.
Mom, Dad and my sisters laughed uproariously. I was clueless.
Turns out, I was that way for years and years.
On that same trip (the same evening on the same drive, if I remember correctly), Mom asked us kids what our favorite song was. I said, honestly, "Amazing Grace."
I liked the tune of that hymn. And, given the environment in which I was raised, I had been exposed to no songs as much as traditional Christian hymns.
More of the reason for my choice, however, were the words of the song. I very much liked the idea of being saved. And of being found, not lost. (A recurring childhood nightmare of mine was being lost or left alone.) I liked being able to see. And I liked the assurance of the song; the promise that God was with me, would always give me comfort and, one day, would take me to heaven.
Even at a young age, I understood such things and of my need of saving. I knew that God's love for me and the mercy and grace he showed me, truly, were amazing. And I loved to sing the song that, in my opinion, best told about it.
As easy as it was for me to recognize that I had spiritually been lost and found, blind but now see, I was clueless about my sexual orientation.
Not until I had left home, married and had kids did I finally come to a point where I could no longer deny that I am gay. More profoundly, it was only after so much living that I could finally admit that I am gay.
I've been told I have the worst timing. Opening my eyes to the fact that I'm gay only after getting so deep into the heterosexual lifestyle...well, to say that I have bad timing is an understatement, is an understatement.
Looking back, my ignorance, stupidity, unfathomable denial -- however you want to describe it -- is bewildering. I look at pictures of me as a college student and ask incredulously, "How could I not SEE that I was gay?!!!!" Why did I think that my desires were just part of normal curiosity or the product of childhood experiences introduced by an older boy?
My mind was closed. Shut tight against the sin and perversion of homosexuality. It wasn't an option. I was normal. I was a Christian. People had expectations of me. I had expectations of myself. "Gay" was not an option. "Gay" did not exist in my world. "Gay" had no more to do with me than did Hare Krishnas, the Grateful Dead or Matt, my college crush.
Besides, I liked girls. I was attracted to them. They "turned me on." I fantasized about them. Even made out with a few. I wasn't gay. No way. No how. No question.
Well, long story short, as the song says:
I once was lost, but now am found -- was blind, but now I see.
I don't fully understand it. I'm still figuring it out. But as the hymn writer was found and given sight, saved and living in the promise of being led to the safety and security of home, so, too, did I finally find myself. I opened my eyes to who I am, to who I've always been. I see now how blind I was. And it's all by God's grace. He has made me whole. He has removed my fear, my guilt and shame. And I know he will lead me home. I know he's preparing a place for me for eternity.
"Amazing Grace" remains one of my favorite songs. I love it for its spiritual truths. And, now, I also love it for the way it affirms the truth of my life experience. I sing it in my heart more fully and more joyfully than ever. No longer just a favorite song, "Amazing Grace" is my song. The song of my salvation. The song of my identity. The song of the assurance that is my hope for tomorrow.
Perfect is God's providence in our lives. An old cherished hymn and a new cherished life: funny the parallels.
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