Our Common Struggle

"So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.  For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba!  Father!"  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs -- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."  (Romans 8:12-17 ESV)

I find myself continuing to struggle to become more like Christ.  In my most honest moments, I admit that I am, in my deepest self, selfish and proud.  I want my way.  Life my way.  Others to be, act and live how I wish.  Circumstances to suit me.  My dreams to come true.  My vision of the ideal to become reality.  Me, my, mine -- it's all about me!

How ugly it is to read over that.  Uglier to admit how true it is.  It's our fundamental human state -- our natural human state, that is.

Thanks be to God that he rescues us from that!  Not in one instant.  Not completely.  But he does move us out from ourselves and toward him and then toward others.  Through the presence of his Holy Spirit, God nudges and cajoles us.  He squeezes and bends us, stretches and squashes us through the circumstances and experiences of our daily lives to make us less like ourselves and more like Christ.

Our transformation, like most transformations of any kind, is achieved through painful and difficult experiences.  Like the birth of a baby, we must endure some trauma and challenge before emerging on the other side in the likeness of our creator.

The older I get the more I wonder about my transformation into the likeness of Christ.  I seem to become more aware of how unlike him I am and I struggle to see that I am making progress.  Sometimes I backslide.  Praise God, he is patient and merciful towards me.  He does not often visit upon me the consequences I deserve.  And, so, I struggle on.  It is a gritty, embarrassing, but determined struggle.  Because God loves me, I strive to please him.  Though I often come up short, I want to love him more and better, to please him and make him proud of me: a stubborn, selfish, prideful adopted son.

Father, (thank you for making me your child) I know I am unworthy of your care much less your love.  I disappoint you so often and in so many ways.  I test your patience by my willfulness and your mercy by my defiance.  Please continue to forgive me and be patient with me.  Continue to believe in me.  Keep your faith in me as I depend on my faith in you -- that you love me and that you always will.

You are mine.  I am yours.  Thank you.

Amen.

I Wonder

As Christians, we strive to live up to the example of Jesus. He's our model. Our standard.

We never do, of course -- meet the standard. We fall short. And whether some of us arguably come up shorter than others doesn't matter. We're all sinners and only saved by grace, not by works lest any of us should boast.

As our existence is all about relationships -- ours with God, ours with one another. Relationships is one of the greatest areas of difficulty and of shortcoming in our lives.

We're all guilty. We all fail in relationships from time to time. Thankfully, most of us have relationships that can and do survive failure. They endure hurts. Sometimes, our relationships grow stronger despite failures and hurts.

When I'm alone in the quiet, I wonder how Jesus would relate to me were he with my physically. I wonder how he would treat me. Would he condemn me? Would he be embarrassed that I call myself by his name? Would he deny me? Would he be kind to me? Would he show me love and extend to me fellowship regardless what others may say?

The Bible tells us how Jesus treated the outcasts of his day. The tax collectors, the adulterers, the poor and the diseased. It also tells us how he treated the proud and the self-righteous, the judgmental and the oppressive.

Can we treat one another as Jesus treated others? Is it possible for us through His spirit that is in us?

Jesus told us to follow his example. Would he tell us to do that if it were impossible?

A big difference I find in myself and Jesus is the way in which we attempt to influence others to change. All too often I try by telling someone how they are wrong, destructive or deficient. Sometimes I become passive-aggressive. Occasionally I wait until I can take no more and then I explode in righteous indignation.

I've watched others try guilt or shame to influence someone to change. Perhaps even worse is when we turn our backs on someone until and unless they change...we disassociate with them, perhaps even encourage others to do the same.

Jesus didn't do any of that, did he? He showed people unconditional love and respect. The only people he was harsh with and did not treat with respect were those who not only denied him, but opposed him and did so in the name of God his father. When he confronted those whom the community condemned a "sinner" he reached out to them in fellowship. He ate with tax collectors. He allowed a sinful woman to wash his feet. He welcomed known "sinners" to travel with him and minister to his physical needs. His example was more about caring for the person than about their actions...particularly those in their past! He focused on the heart and not the deeds. Jesus modeled to us that the way to reach people and to influence them to turn their hearts to God is to love and respect them.

His first words to Zacchaeus: "Zacchaeus, come down at once. I must stay at your house today." (Luke 19:5, NRLV) Not "Sinner, repent and be baptised!"

His words to the adulterous woman caught in the act and brought to him for judgement: "Hasn't anyone found you guilty?...Then I don't find you guilty either....Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 7: 10,11) Not "You've sinned and you're going to hell unless you repent."

To the woman at the well who'd had five husbands and was living with a man out of marriage, Jesus violated multiple religious and cultural taboos and spoke to her in public. He engaged her as someone worthy and revealed the saving truth of his identity to her. He did not condemn her or lecture her. He showed her what she needed to accept, not what she needed to reject.

Don't misunderstand. Jesus' will for all of these people was that they live lives honoring and obedient to God. He wanted them to seek him with all of their hearts, without reservation, without condition. But he knew (and he left a lesson for us) that we are created to be loved and respected...in the image of God whom, above all else, we were created to love and respect. Jesus worked to reach hearts first and minds second. We (I) tend to reverse that order. And usually with predictable results.

So, can we follow Jesus' example and reach out to "sinners" and outcasts? Can we associate with them in public and focus on their hearts rather than their reputations, social status or how we think doing so will affect opinions of ourselves? Are we willing to invest ourselves, our time and our energy to learn and connect with people's hearts before we try to change their minds or their behaviors? Will we see people as unique, priceless creations of the same God who created us and whom he loves as much as us, rather than label them as part of some group and stereotype them accordingly?

I have to believe that Jesus wants us to. And I'm convinced he's ready and willing -- and eager -- to help us.

Do we even want him to? Will we ask him to? Will we allow him to?

I wonder.

Paths Unpredictable

Have you ever wondered how on earth you got where you are? If you've lived much life at all, I strongly suspect you have. Seldom does life go as we once expected. Sometimes it goes better, sometimes not. But God seems to delight in showing the folly of our wisdom simply by not letting things turn out where, much less how, we planned.

The predicted path of my life was to lead to social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. I would live and die an honest, steady, and respected man. In every way I would live what, in this part of the world, is recognized as a traditional life.

The path of my life so far is as follows:

Social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. Honesty. Steadiness. Respect. A traditional life. As expected. Yet not.

My marriage failed. I finally admitted to myself and a few others that I am gay. I live a discrete life with my partner, Josh. My family knows about me and, while they don't shun or shame me because of it, it's not discussed and they, so far, don't invite me to include Josh in family functions.

My kids don't know about me or about Josh and me. They know Josh and deeply love him. He's like their favorite uncle. The feelings are very mutual.

The kids and I continue to attend the church we attended before the separation. It's a conservative mainline Protestant congregation where the sinner is loved but homosexuality is clearly not. Needless-to-say, it's not the best fit for me, but, with my divorce pending and my living arrangements still temporary, I'm loathe to introduce more change into the kids' lives.

Nor am I "out" at work. Being a family man for over 10 years and a Christian, people, naturally, make many assumptions about me. It's the label thing again. They assume I'm straight as straight can be. That I'm the stereotypical conservative gentleman that would give no moral quarter to anything outside the region's prevailing conservative values.

So, life right now is a balance. Between being honest with myself and others about myself without making disclosures that would serve only to hurt my family and associations.

This current location in life is no where I would have predicted. But here I am. It's no where I would have sought to travel. But it's where, by combination of my decisions and God's work, I have arrived.

And, it's okay. Not always pleasant. In fact, my divorce has been very distressing and wearying; much more so than necessary, but, thankfully, not as bad as possible. And my current lifestyle, between worlds, in both but not completely part of either, is uneasy. And, of course, my relationship with Josh -- wonderful, the most intimate and rich relationship I've ever enjoyed -- is constrained. We're unable to associate freely in public, unable to fully share one another's lives. Of course, that's par for the course for many if not most gays. (There are those fortunate few who live in communities that allow them the freedom to live without fear of recrimination or discrimination.)

So how is your life going? As expected? Or, as mine, are you finding your life going in directions and taking you places you never imagined?

While our life paths often take the unexpected turn, I, and I hope you, are not without confidence and joy in the journey. No matter where the path leads -- whether to the predicted or to the utterly surprising and sometimes foreign -- there is comfort and confidence in knowing that God is wherever I find myself and that He loves me and is actively shaping every circumstance for my good.

So surprise me away, Lord. Take me from the path I know and on which I'm comfortable and lead me down the path unknown and hidden. Take me to places unfamiliar. Show me sights unseen. Delight me in your presence and provision. And as I yield to your direction, make me a delight to you.

The Genesis

This is it. The start. The beginning. My first post.

Likely you wonder what this blog is all about. We'll discover together.

I'm an American. Southern. White male. Politically conservative leaning. Religiously-speaking, a Protestant Christian; some would say fundamentalist. The last child in a family of seven. Middle class. Well educated. Professional. Single parent. And gay.

There is enough in that paragraph to make anyone dismiss me and anything I may have to say out-of-hand. And, surely, there are more than a few who would conclude that I've already violated the premise of this blog...honesty. After all, how can a Christian be gay? How can a gay man be politically conservative? How can a Southerner be well educated?!

That is, if you judge the worth of others by labels.

You need to know the above so that you have some feel for my perspective. For how I see the world and our place in it. Our location, environment and daily relationships influence so heavily how we think, act and understand the world around us. Thus, you need to know some of the influences on me.

The greatest influence on me, not surprisingly, was my parents. They're both dead now...killed tragically in separate accidents (but that's a topic, perhaps, for another day). They tried to be the best people they knew to be. Both were hard working, honest, and valued their good names. They grew up during the Great Depression and were characteristically influenced by it. Both were raised in Christian homes, albeit both far from ideal environments. Mom's childhood was the most interesting. (Again, a story for another post.)

Mom and Dad taught us right from wrong and did their best to live the right. They were good and consistent role models. Affectionate. Willing but not overly quick to praise. Willing but not overly harsh to discipline. Consistency characterized everything about them. As did their love for each other, their children and others. They were, as we say, "salt of the earth" kind of people. They made me proud to be their son.

I realize what a tremendous advantage this was to me. Several of my closest friends come from shockingly abusive homes, had parents who were neglectful or parents who were the best intentioned but just didn't know how to give their kids what they needed. It has been an awakening for me to come to understand how different my childhood was from so many others, and how blessed.

In a recent conversation with my partner, Josh, I observed that I didn't learn how to recognize or effectively cope with manipulative behavior by others. I couldn't predict or defend against it. I found myself surprised when others practiced skillful deceit. (Lying I knew about, and had practiced. But deceit through cunning, calculation and duplicity -- that was foreign and unfamiliar.) In adulthood, I was having to learn to accept that some people simply live by deceit and manipulation because that was how they were raised and they know no other way to live. I observed to Josh that I was so thankful that I was having to learn to recognize and cope with manipulation and deceit rather than learn how to love someone else. The advantage of being taught all my life how to love was mine.

To love another and see and seek the best in them is natural for me. To forgive usually comes pretty easy. And it's no credit to me; it's a credit to my parents, our friends and extended family. I can learn to recognize and defend against manipulation and deceit much more easily than another can learn, as an adult, to love selflessly. And that explains so much for me about certain relationships in my life.

Relationships that I've struggled to understand, pained to figure why someone behaves the way they do and makes the conscious decisions that they do. Decisions that predictably harm themselves as much and, usually, more than others. Self-destructive decisions that make no rational sense. Decisions borne out of warped life perspectives modeled and learned. Perspectives of cynicism, suspicion and distrust, insecurity, fault, blame and defensiveness; bitterness, rage, unforgiveness; victimhood.

I've seen these things up close, though am blessed not to be possessed by them. We are all tempted by each from time to time. And we all succumb in varying degrees on occasion. But for such perspectives to be our "normal" condition...how tragic! How much pain! What absence of joy, what slavery. Oh, that everyone who has been taught to see the world and all in it as suspect would learn a new way! Oh, that a Genesis would destroy the evil done and create new minds of love, joy and hope.

God, work in each of us the Genesis we need. Bring others into our lives who would be agents of unconditional love. Help us to love and forgive others, this Easter season and always, as you love and forgive each of us.