Funny the Parallels

Driving across the southwest looking for a campground late one evening, we passed a billboard advertising a strip tease club.

"Elliot, would you like to go see a strip tease?", Mom asked me.

"Yeah! Yeah!", I replied excitedly.

I was 9 or 10 years old. Had no idea what Mom was talking about. But being an adventurous boy and having lay in the back of a Ford Torino station wagon for the better part of 10 hours, I was eager to do something -- anything -- else.

Mom, Dad and my sisters laughed uproariously. I was clueless.

Turns out, I was that way for years and years.

On that same trip (the same evening on the same drive, if I remember correctly), Mom asked us kids what our favorite song was. I said, honestly, "Amazing Grace."

I liked the tune of that hymn. And, given the environment in which I was raised, I had been exposed to no songs as much as traditional Christian hymns.

More of the reason for my choice, however, were the words of the song. I very much liked the idea of being saved. And of being found, not lost. (A recurring childhood nightmare of mine was being lost or left alone.) I liked being able to see. And I liked the assurance of the song; the promise that God was with me, would always give me comfort and, one day, would take me to heaven.

Even at a young age, I understood such things and of my need of saving. I knew that God's love for me and the mercy and grace he showed me, truly, were amazing. And I loved to sing the song that, in my opinion, best told about it.

As easy as it was for me to recognize that I had spiritually been lost and found, blind but now see, I was clueless about my sexual orientation.

Not until I had left home, married and had kids did I finally come to a point where I could no longer deny that I am gay. More profoundly, it was only after so much living that I could finally admit that I am gay.

I've been told I have the worst timing. Opening my eyes to the fact that I'm gay only after getting so deep into the heterosexual lifestyle...well, to say that I have bad timing is an understatement, is an understatement.

Looking back, my ignorance, stupidity, unfathomable denial -- however you want to describe it -- is bewildering. I look at pictures of me as a college student and ask incredulously, "How could I not SEE that I was gay?!!!!" Why did I think that my desires were just part of normal curiosity or the product of childhood experiences introduced by an older boy?

My mind was closed. Shut tight against the sin and perversion of homosexuality. It wasn't an option. I was normal. I was a Christian. People had expectations of me. I had expectations of myself. "Gay" was not an option. "Gay" did not exist in my world. "Gay" had no more to do with me than did Hare Krishnas, the Grateful Dead or Matt, my college crush.

Besides, I liked girls. I was attracted to them. They "turned me on." I fantasized about them. Even made out with a few. I wasn't gay. No way. No how. No question.

Well, long story short, as the song says:

I once was lost, but now am found -- was blind, but now I see.

I don't fully understand it. I'm still figuring it out. But as the hymn writer was found and given sight, saved and living in the promise of being led to the safety and security of home, so, too, did I finally find myself. I opened my eyes to who I am, to who I've always been. I see now how blind I was. And it's all by God's grace. He has made me whole. He has removed my fear, my guilt and shame. And I know he will lead me home. I know he's preparing a place for me for eternity.

"Amazing Grace" remains one of my favorite songs. I love it for its spiritual truths. And, now, I also love it for the way it affirms the truth of my life experience. I sing it in my heart more fully and more joyfully than ever. No longer just a favorite song, "Amazing Grace" is my song. The song of my salvation. The song of my identity. The song of the assurance that is my hope for tomorrow.

Perfect is God's providence in our lives. An old cherished hymn and a new cherished life: funny the parallels.

Paths Unpredictable

Have you ever wondered how on earth you got where you are? If you've lived much life at all, I strongly suspect you have. Seldom does life go as we once expected. Sometimes it goes better, sometimes not. But God seems to delight in showing the folly of our wisdom simply by not letting things turn out where, much less how, we planned.

The predicted path of my life was to lead to social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. I would live and die an honest, steady, and respected man. In every way I would live what, in this part of the world, is recognized as a traditional life.

The path of my life so far is as follows:

Social and career success. Marriage. Fatherhood. Church and community service. Honesty. Steadiness. Respect. A traditional life. As expected. Yet not.

My marriage failed. I finally admitted to myself and a few others that I am gay. I live a discrete life with my partner, Josh. My family knows about me and, while they don't shun or shame me because of it, it's not discussed and they, so far, don't invite me to include Josh in family functions.

My kids don't know about me or about Josh and me. They know Josh and deeply love him. He's like their favorite uncle. The feelings are very mutual.

The kids and I continue to attend the church we attended before the separation. It's a conservative mainline Protestant congregation where the sinner is loved but homosexuality is clearly not. Needless-to-say, it's not the best fit for me, but, with my divorce pending and my living arrangements still temporary, I'm loathe to introduce more change into the kids' lives.

Nor am I "out" at work. Being a family man for over 10 years and a Christian, people, naturally, make many assumptions about me. It's the label thing again. They assume I'm straight as straight can be. That I'm the stereotypical conservative gentleman that would give no moral quarter to anything outside the region's prevailing conservative values.

So, life right now is a balance. Between being honest with myself and others about myself without making disclosures that would serve only to hurt my family and associations.

This current location in life is no where I would have predicted. But here I am. It's no where I would have sought to travel. But it's where, by combination of my decisions and God's work, I have arrived.

And, it's okay. Not always pleasant. In fact, my divorce has been very distressing and wearying; much more so than necessary, but, thankfully, not as bad as possible. And my current lifestyle, between worlds, in both but not completely part of either, is uneasy. And, of course, my relationship with Josh -- wonderful, the most intimate and rich relationship I've ever enjoyed -- is constrained. We're unable to associate freely in public, unable to fully share one another's lives. Of course, that's par for the course for many if not most gays. (There are those fortunate few who live in communities that allow them the freedom to live without fear of recrimination or discrimination.)

So how is your life going? As expected? Or, as mine, are you finding your life going in directions and taking you places you never imagined?

While our life paths often take the unexpected turn, I, and I hope you, are not without confidence and joy in the journey. No matter where the path leads -- whether to the predicted or to the utterly surprising and sometimes foreign -- there is comfort and confidence in knowing that God is wherever I find myself and that He loves me and is actively shaping every circumstance for my good.

So surprise me away, Lord. Take me from the path I know and on which I'm comfortable and lead me down the path unknown and hidden. Take me to places unfamiliar. Show me sights unseen. Delight me in your presence and provision. And as I yield to your direction, make me a delight to you.